Under attack for being evil, part of the deep state, and selling personal data to all comers, Google said it wants to offset criticism by giving everyone a chance to lighten up, while also allowing users to affirm their love or hatred of President Trump.
“Our analysts noticed that the simple appearance of “Trump” in a headline drove traffic, seemingly from both sides of the political divide. According to one Google insider who wished to remain anonymous, “What better way to delight users than to allow them to replace all appearances of ‘Trump’ with whatever term the user wants?”
Google spokesman Yashir Eustace Smith noted, “He’s incredibly polarizing. Why not put all that love and animosity to work with a smile? Everyone wins. Our ad targeting will be off the charts!”
The beta release will offer users a handful of replacements, including President Stump, Doofus in Chief, Colt 45, Greatest POTUS of All Time, Best President Ever, Generalissimo Donald, President Dumb Ass, and President Dump. “The plan is to see which names trend best and add more to encourage use of this remarkable digital release, grow our user base, and then sort and sell ads based on user replacement choice.”
The initial launch of ‘Replace Trump,” the Beta release name, will be an extension available for Chrome, Safari, and Internet Explorer, although no one knows if anyone still uses Internet Explorer. Once installed, users will see headlines and stories where all references to Trump are replaced with their preferred name for the current president.
Asked if this will be extended to other politicians or celebrities, Google spokeswoman Insidera Brown noted, “We will be looking into the adoption rate for this release. The possibilities are staggering. Hating and loving people has always been a huge draw throughout history.”
Industry insiders and experts agree it’s a no brainer. Some are insisting on adding President No Brainer, but Google strategists believe it could be seen as a double entendre — making it hard to employ appropriate ad targeting. Plus, double entendres are thought to be French, earning proposed moniker a big thumbs down. “Everyone agrees, French is bad,” said one unnamed Google developer.
“We’re really excited about the possibilities of allowing users to only see and read terms for Trump that relate to their beliefs, however idiotic or accurate.”
@2019 John Hofmeister. All rights reserved. This means you, buddy.
Calling for a fair and balanced approach to awful shit that happens but still yields some incredibly good shit that comes with it, President Trump has proposed a National Endowment for the Inhumanities.
“Just take a look at war. It’s awful, sure. But it also brings with it some fantastic advances in science and technology. No one ever said this exactly, but it seems like we’d never have automatic dishwashers without World War Two. I mean all those women who had to go work and make bombs needed a faster way to do all those dishes because they didn’t have enough time to clean them working full time.” Trump provided no facts to support this assertion. The White House has yet to respond to inquiries from yours truly.
In a related vein, Trump heralded the value of species extinction. “Democrats want you to think this is terrible. But it’s been fantastic for industry and jobs and everyday Americans. Who like snails, anyway? Ok, nobody except liberals at those fancy French restaurants they love so much. But if we have to give up a couple of snails for jobs that can help loggers or coal miners get good jobs — the snails are losers. It’s a no brainer. Believe me, I know all about no brainers.”
Trump went on to extol the value of awfulness, noting that every issue has two sides. Like when people talk about white supremacists. “There are good people on both sides,” Trump tweeted while commenting on white supremacists marching to save monuments to icons of slavery. “And let’s not forget the facts. Yeah, it sounds terrible but slavery was a great source of American power before the Civil War. Heck, even Britain wanted to help keep it going so they could get cotton picked cheap. Slaves help build our country. They deserve our thanks, but they’re all dead so we can’t do much for them now. All this reparations talk is just Democrats trying to get Black votes. ”
In a related tweet, Trump noted, “We need to see how terrible stuff can continue to make America great. If we hadn’t taken all that land from Indians, most of America would be living in tee-pees and chasing buffalo all day and waiting for Russia to conquer us. Very bad. Not just bad, incredibly awful and unfair.” How this was unfair, Trump did not say.
“The democrats and liberals want to trash all the good shit that comes from bad shit because they pretend to care about where the good shit comes from. I’m all about good shit — and however we get it doesn’t matter. Shit’s shit.”
In his recent tweetstorm, Trump noted, “It’s time to honor the value of how awful things can lead to great things. My unpresidendented presidency is a perfect example. We’re greater, more fantastic, and more safer (sic) than ever no matter what the intelligence agencies say. Almost all of them are Obama people who didn’t want to make American great. Sad.”
In a side note, Trump revealed, “I needed to get in this anger that I can’t account for about national security smart guys who don’t know where their elbows are.” In responding to his remarks, Trump aides asked for the mulligan now given Trump for every 6 press encounters. Trump has no known therapist available for comment.
The Endowment for the Inhumanities, yet to be established by Congress, is already seeking requests for funding for research initiatives by 8Chan, the American Nazi Party, the Koch Foundation, the Heritage Foundations, and an assorted range of foundations seeking federal funding decrying federal funding while benefitting from federal funding.
Trump concurred in his tweet, “Funding for bad shit should be comparable to funding for good shit. It’s only fair. Fair and balanced is good. Not fair and balanced is bad.”
When asked about how this sounded like the Fox News’ tagline, Trump said, “Yeah, that sounds like a good line. But I never read stuff unless it’s a bunch of words running under pictures of me on Fox News. I’m really busy, so watching just Fox makes it easier to keep up with stuff. I mean, there’s a picture of me and there’s good words about me underneath. Pictures and words. Incredibly fair and balanced.”
©2019 John Hofmeister. All rights reserved. So there.
Having found my first job at an agency at 41 years of age, I’m an extreme outlier. These days most get into the business straight out of school, whether a university with an ad program or an ad school. That glorious time of shiny, thick hair, the ability to drink till 2 and then drag your ass to the office at 8, and health insurance is like, yeah whatever.
Before my first agency gig as a copywriter, I got acquainted with the ad business when working at a big university’s marketing department where I met graphic artists and designers and began perusing CA and One Show Annuals.
Once ensconced in an agency, I started paying closer attention to the business. It became clear to me that the ad business was interesting, fun, crazy at times, wildly subjective, and lucrative.
It was also a place where an English major could make a living, not to mention artistically inclined souls who could draw or paint or make things look lovely. Without getting into the account service side of the show, why not go into the business if you have a creative bent? None I suppose — but with some caveats.
1. Plan on finding another career after you turn 45ish or older. The creative side of the business is ageist. Finding a copy or art guy who’s over 45 is pretty tough. This is just a fact. Don’t believe me? Check out this, this, or this.
But when you’re 25 or 28 or thirty-something, you’re thinking about getting ahead, getting into CA, winning a One Show Pencil, and making VP or SVP money. Nothing wrong with that. But if you are pursuing this career, start your plan for the day when you get laid off — because odds are you will be. Several times.
Oh, you’ll be told the account you’re on was lost or the client was looking for “new” directions or overall billings are going away — and so is your job. You’ll be told it’s got nothing to do with your age. You’ll be shown a list of people younger than you (with less experience, talent, and moxie, too). In this pile of bullshit, there may be a kernel or two of truth — enough to keep the lawyers happy anyway.
2. Save like crazy. Advertising can be pretty lucrative after you put in some time as a junior and “leadership,” the account people, and your creative bosses decide that you have what it takes. But when the day arrives that the account you’re working on goes away and they “have” to let you go, you will need savings to lean on. But don’t plan on spending too much of what you saved.
If you’re lucky (or not depending on your POV) you will get old. Sixty or 70 or 80 something. Money will be tight since you’ll be spending more and more of it on healthcare. And we all know where those costs are going.
3. For writers, you need to get really good at actual writing. Grammar and knowing how to write for laypeople will matter when you are freelancing and forced to edit your own stuff and aren’t being paid to be charming or fun or entertaining — when the money comes from being straightforward, simple, and often painfully obvious without being a bore. So, when those long-copy gigs show up, grab them. That 200-page website? Grab that, too. Sometimes getting good at what you don’t like doing will serve you well. It’s called work for a reason.
For art folks, never pass a chance to make a table or chart, clean up a photo, edit the leadership team’s annual video, organize and graphically present mind-numbing statistics, work with multiple-paged documents, and know all the Adobe Creative Suite like you programmed it.
4. Do something else. Advertising draws people to its hallways for the money, the coolness, and all the glib, stupid shit one takes from Mad Men. Life at most agencies can be a crushing grind lots of the time and a total blast some of the time. I'm guessing the same holds true for almost any profession.. A career is a long time. Choose wisely my friend.
© 2019 John Hofmeister. For my other take on the business, check out this. And I am in the habit of recommending the guy’s blog. Check it out.
One in two of us will be diagnosed with cancer in our lifetimes. Having seen both young and old fall victim to it, I ride 100 miles in a local fundraiser, Pelotonia. Killing cancer in all its forms will take ingenious, dogged researchers and lots of money. 100% of every donation goes to research — ALL the overhead is donated. Join me in the quest to kill cancer at Pelotonia.org/hoffy And thank you! hashtag#cancersucks hashtag#donate
It's a rare life that’s empty of regret. Rarer still is the soul who has none. Outside of sociopaths and narcissists, each of us carries some misgivings. The note not sent. The word not spoken. The thank-you never to be heard. Little things for the most part. Things we can amend when our hearts find the time and means.
When I'm not writing for clients, I write about things that interest me. Quite of bit of satire, a genre that has become increasingly difficult to work in since reality has become such a farce.