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Trusting his gut and driven by advice given to him long ago by spiritual mentor Roy Cohn to turn attacks into assets, Donald Trump accepted the world’s first-ever Ignoble Prize.
In accepting the award, Trump said that “ignoble is what I do and do very strongly. It’s a big word even if it doesn’t have that many letters but it greatly describes big thinkers like me. Ignobility, I’m pretty sure that’s a word, too, is in my genes. I come from a long line of ignobility. And even if this prize was around when Obama was president, he never could have won it. He didn’t have the brain that I do to break all precious rules politicians, especially Democrats, follow. I’m pretty sure they had to invent this prize because nobody in the history of the world ever did ignoble better than me. Obama could only win a noble prize. Big deal. They’ve been giving out those forever.” Mystified by this jarring but unsurprising boast, journalists were left blinking with their mouths open, momentarily unable to internalize Trump’s latest defiance of everyday norms and accepted definitions accessible to anyone with a dictionary. Seeing their dumbstruck expressions, Trump chuckled aloud as his team hurried to escort him from the press briefing room, “What, no gotcha, nasty questions for me? What a bunch of losers.” In what was supposed to be a post-briefing follow-up, the president’s newest — and according to Trump, the best-looking presidential spokesperson in history — Kayleigh McEnany said Mr.Trump was “being sarcastic and wanted to have a little fun with the press corps.” She went on to say that the President didn’t have time for follow-up questions because he had to get back to the hard work of slashing spending aimed at poor people who don’t vote, “which is most of them,” she noted. “President Trump believes it’s time to put the nation’s tax dollars to work for people who work.” Realizing that the room had cleared as journalists rushed to release the latest assault on imagination that continues to make satire impossible, McEnany said, “I told you I will never lie to you. That’s not my job.” In a related note and according to the latest available information, the Ignoble Prize was established by an esteemed triumvirate of Doctors No, Evil, and Doom. According to its founders, the prize will be awarded annually to recognize the apex of ignobility as demonstrated by the recipient’s fearless disregard for truth, justice, and or any measure of decency known to humankind. Unbeknownst to Trump, it has no cash value.
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I’m sure there are many NRA members who aren’t idiots. Unfortunately for the organization, those members don’t make news. And regardless of one’s opinion of the NRA, the appearance of gun-toting goofballs at the protests against decrees to prevent the spread of the coronavirus makes me wonder: Why are they bringing assault weapons to these protests? The decrees aren’t restricting the rights to bear arms, although some decrees have shuttered shooting ranges where the bored or insecure gather to enjoy themselves or feel powerful unloading on paper tigers or whatever their inert and harmless targets happen to be. Are they planning to assault the legislators? Their governors? Counter-protesters? They not only like walking about carrying a big stick, but wish to yell loudly with childish displays of their dearest possessions. “I took my AR-57 into the rotunda, baby. Boy, I showed them. No one’s gonna tell me what to do. And this mask isn’t keeping me from this overhyped virus shit — it’s keeping me from being identified by the deep state.” That would be the deep state that keeps sending their grandmas checks every month, makes hamburger edible, lakes fishable, air breathable, water drinkable, modern live livable, and yet doesn’t seem to mind if citizens stroll about in public with oversized badges of dimwittery. Like anxious grammarians who believe the world is going to hell in a handbasket with every split infinitive, they believe it’s going to hell because they can’t figure out who made them so stupid in the first place. Even that is beyond the ken of the state, however deep.
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John HofmeisterWhen I'm not writing for clients, I write about things that interest me. Quite of bit of satire, a genre that has become increasingly difficult to work in since reality has become such a farce. Archives
February 2023
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