I am so sick of corporations and their social media campaigns that purport to care about me. Corporations are in the business of making money. I get that. Nothing wrong with that. But pretending that they care about me is absurd.
A recent example: I get a call for Aetna Healthcare and they want to come to my home, take my blood pressure, and whatever else their certified nurse practitioner intends to do and ask about. I'm thinking, isn't this what my family doctor does for me? Isn't he someone who knows my medical history and can offer informed guidance to what I might do to take better care of myself? Oh, but there are services that we provide or can connect you with to improve your health and wellbeing. Services your doctor wouldn’t know about. So why the fuck aren’t you talking to my GP about this stuff and let him, someone I already trust, know about these awesome services?
I'm pretty confident that I can take care of myself and my needs without your help. I pay you money to obtain medical services at the lowest price point I can find and manage the paperwork etc. I love you no more than my wireless provider, which is to say not at all. I would listen to you if you simply said, "we have services that can help you spend less money on your healthcare and lower our costs and yours in doing so." I told the caller, "Aetna doesn't care about me as an individual. It's a big corporation in the business of making money. That's ok. But you don't really care about me. My wife cares about me. My children and siblings care about me. Close friends care about me. You care about runningan efficient, profitable business — and if your services can lower your costs — and maybe mine too — just say so.
Interaction with corporations is transactional, not emotional or personal. Customer engagement should be honest — not a goofball pretense that your company knows anything about me other than what they need to know to provide better service in the interest of buttressing their bottom line. This need or desire is not bad or evil or pernicious — but admitting to it, understanding the people are human beings and pretending to “care” about them upends the understanding of what care means.
I understand the need to make money. Everyone does. But wedding your need to make money to caring about me as an individual only serves to inflame my distrust in you. Be honest with me. You’ll get more traction.
©2019 John Hofmeister. All rights reserved. Yeah, I’m not Texas, but don’t mess with me.
Under attack for being evil, part of the deep state, and selling personal data to all comers, Google said it wants to offset criticism by giving everyone a chance to lighten up, while also allowing users to affirm their love or hatred of President Trump.
“Our analysts noticed that the simple appearance of “Trump” in a headline drove traffic, seemingly from both sides of the political divide. According to one Google insider who wished to remain anonymous, “What better way to delight users than to allow them to replace all appearances of ‘Trump’ with whatever term the user wants?”
Google spokesman Yashir Eustace Smith noted, “He’s incredibly polarizing. Why not put all that love and animosity to work with a smile? Everyone wins. Our ad targeting will be off the charts!”
The beta release will offer users a handful of replacements, including President Stump, Doofus in Chief, Colt 45, Greatest POTUS of All Time, Best President Ever, Generalissimo Donald, President Dumb Ass, and President Dump. “The plan is to see which names trend best and add more to encourage use of this remarkable digital release, grow our user base, and then sort and sell ads based on user replacement choice.”
The initial launch of ‘Replace Trump,” the Beta release name, will be an extension available for Chrome, Safari, and Internet Explorer, although no one knows if anyone still uses Internet Explorer. Once installed, users will see headlines and stories where all references to Trump are replaced with their preferred name for the current president.
Asked if this will be extended to other politicians or celebrities, Google spokeswoman Insidera Brown noted, “We will be looking into the adoption rate for this release. The possibilities are staggering. Hating and loving people has always been a huge draw throughout history.”
Industry insiders and experts agree it’s a no brainer. Some are insisting on adding President No Brainer, but Google strategists believe it could be seen as a double entendre — making it hard to employ appropriate ad targeting. Plus, double entendres are thought to be French, earning proposed moniker a big thumbs down. “Everyone agrees, French is bad,” said one unnamed Google developer.
“We’re really excited about the possibilities of allowing users to only see and read terms for Trump that relate to their beliefs, however idiotic or accurate.”
@2019 John Hofmeister. All rights reserved. This means you, buddy.
Calling for a fair and balanced approach to awful shit that happens but still yields some incredibly good shit that comes with it, President Trump has proposed a National Endowment for the Inhumanities.
“Just take a look at war. It’s awful, sure. But it also brings with it some fantastic advances in science and technology. No one ever said this exactly, but it seems like we’d never have automatic dishwashers without World War Two. I mean all those women who had to go work and make bombs needed a faster way to do all those dishes because they didn’t have enough time to clean them working full time.” Trump provided no facts to support this assertion. The White House has yet to respond to inquiries from yours truly.
In a related vein, Trump heralded the value of species extinction. “Democrats want you to think this is terrible. But it’s been fantastic for industry and jobs and everyday Americans. Who like snails, anyway? Ok, nobody except liberals at those fancy French restaurants they love so much. But if we have to give up a couple of snails for jobs that can help loggers or coal miners get good jobs — the snails are losers. It’s a no brainer. Believe me, I know all about no brainers.”
Trump went on to extol the value of awfulness, noting that every issue has two sides. Like when people talk about white supremacists. “There are good people on both sides,” Trump tweeted while commenting on white supremacists marching to save monuments to icons of slavery. “And let’s not forget the facts. Yeah, it sounds terrible but slavery was a great source of American power before the Civil War. Heck, even Britain wanted to help keep it going so they could get cotton picked cheap. Slaves help build our country. They deserve our thanks, but they’re all dead so we can’t do much for them now. All this reparations talk is just Democrats trying to get Black votes. ”
In a related tweet, Trump noted, “We need to see how terrible stuff can continue to make America great. If we hadn’t taken all that land from Indians, most of America would be living in tee-pees and chasing buffalo all day and waiting for Russia to conquer us. Very bad. Not just bad, incredibly awful and unfair.” How this was unfair, Trump did not say.
“The democrats and liberals want to trash all the good shit that comes from bad shit because they pretend to care about where the good shit comes from. I’m all about good shit — and however we get it doesn’t matter. Shit’s shit.”
In his recent tweetstorm, Trump noted, “It’s time to honor the value of how awful things can lead to great things. My unpresidendented presidency is a perfect example. We’re greater, more fantastic, and more safer (sic) than ever no matter what the intelligence agencies say. Almost all of them are Obama people who didn’t want to make American great. Sad.”
In a side note, Trump revealed, “I needed to get in this anger that I can’t account for about national security smart guys who don’t know where their elbows are.” In responding to his remarks, Trump aides asked for the mulligan now given Trump for every 6 press encounters. Trump has no known therapist available for comment.
The Endowment for the Inhumanities, yet to be established by Congress, is already seeking requests for funding for research initiatives by 8Chan, the American Nazi Party, the Koch Foundation, the Heritage Foundations, and an assorted range of foundations seeking federal funding decrying federal funding while benefitting from federal funding.
Trump concurred in his tweet, “Funding for bad shit should be comparable to funding for good shit. It’s only fair. Fair and balanced is good. Not fair and balanced is bad.”
When asked about how this sounded like the Fox News’ tagline, Trump said, “Yeah, that sounds like a good line. But I never read stuff unless it’s a bunch of words running under pictures of me on Fox News. I’m really busy, so watching just Fox makes it easier to keep up with stuff. I mean, there’s a picture of me and there’s good words about me underneath. Pictures and words. Incredibly fair and balanced.”
©2019 John Hofmeister. All rights reserved. So there.
When I'm not writing for clients, I write about things that interest me. Quite of bit of satire, a genre that has become increasingly difficult to work in since reality has become such a farce.